


but if we can decode our secret code (it wasn’t a secret, was it?)

by N_Is_For_Knowledge



Series: Fictober '20 [5]
Category: All the Wrong Questions - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Fictober 2020, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Pre-Canon, i blame the vfdiscord, just wrote this real quick because i want fictober to be over with dammit, mostly just schism gen volunteer ocs who should not have been put in charge of children, no one likes theodora
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27701147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N_Is_For_Knowledge/pseuds/N_Is_For_Knowledge
Summary: "V grinned. 'I personally bet one of them’s not coming back at the end of the period.”'V, not you too!''I thought you didn’t want Olaf and Beatrice to kill C, and now you’re completely fine with Snicket killing S?''I don’t particularly care for S.'"A VFD Apprenticeship Committee meeting.
Series: Fictober '20 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957561
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	but if we can decode our secret code (it wasn’t a secret, was it?)

**Author's Note:**

> This is for prompts 27 ("give me that") and 29 ("back up!"). Title is from The Carioca by Stephen Merritt, which you can listen to Daniel Handler perform [here.](https://thesnicketfile.tumblr.com/post/46971943985/daniel-handler-the-carioca-dec-10-2012-on-npr)

In the basement of Prufrock Preparatory School, the Apprenticeship Committee (all seven members) of the branch of VFD presiding over the City and the surrounding areas were hard at work. You see, it was around the time of year in which older neophytes graduate and begin their apprenticeships, and the Committee was in charge of arranging them.

“I’m afraid we’ll have to split some apprentices into pairs,” D was saying. “Our graduating class this year was unexpectedly large.”

“At least it’s not too large. Only fifty-seven neophytes.”

H nudged F on the shoulder, in the way that you would if you had found something either extremely amusing or extremely terrible and wished to let others know of it. “Baudelaire selected C as a chaperone. Her only reasoning was ‘I like acting and bats are cool.’"

F snorted. “Olaf also selected C as chaperone. So far, no one else has chosen C, and they both seem adept in her field of study, we could assign them both to her-”

V, who apart from being a member of the Committee also instructed Encoding Monologues at Prufrock, nearly burst from her seat. “What, do you want to _kill_ C?”

“They won’t _kill her-_ ”

“F, you’ve never met them, much less had to teach them. They’re terrible. One of them alone is bad, but get the two of them together and they’re _incorrigible._ ”

E frowned. “Snicket-level incorrigible?”

“Which one?”

“The youngest.”

“Oh, dear, the one who snuck into your office?”

“He was sore about that for _weeks-_ ”

“No one’s ever passed the Sneaking final exam before! No one! I was upstaged by a child!”

“Shut up, E, you can’t deny it was hilarious.”

“I mean, I do have to commend him for sneaking into my office, I’ll just never say that to his face.”

“Fair enough.”

A, who until now was sat in the corner, going through requests, cleared her throat. “Speaking of Snicket... he, uh, chose S as his chaperone.”

D nearly broke their neck turning their head to face A. “24, 37, or 52?”

A sighed. “52.”

“You’re joking. You have to be joking.”

“Why in the name of Beverly Cleary would I be joking?”

“You don’t even _like_ Beverly Cleary, A-”

I slammed her hands on the table. “We’re approving it.”

There was silence for one, excruciating moment.

Then the room erupted.

“Why in hell-”

“He’ll kill her!”

“This is probably the worst idea you’ve ever had, I, and I’m including that time you jumped off the roof with nothing but a tablecloth during our training.”

“Why would we do that?”

“Because it’ll be funny as shit, that’s why!”

“Sometimes, with your proclivity for chaos, I wonder why you never joined the other side of the schism. And then I am extremely grateful that you never joined the other side of the schism.”

“It’s because I would probably die if I was told to light a fire, come on, H, you know this.”

V grinned. “I personally bet one of them’s not coming back at the end of the period.”

“V, not you too!”

“I thought you didn’t want Olaf and Beatrice to kill C, and now you’re completely fine with Snicket killing S?”

“I don’t particularly care for S.”

“ _No one_ particularly cares for S!”

A glanced at V. “I might have to take you up on that bet.”

“Back up, V, we’re not gambling the lives away of any volunteers, incorrigible or otherwise.”

“I didn’t say anyone was dying! I just said that one of them’s not coming back at the end of the period!”

“That implies death!”

“It doesn’t! Honestly, how did you even pass Analysing Literature, E?”

“I bet S is going to leave him on the side of the road.”

“Five dollars?”

“ _Ten_ dollars.”

“Your copy of Anna Karenina.”

“That’s too much, F, you _know_ it’s signed.”

“Are we all just betting to spite E?”

“Yes!"

“Why?”

“Because it’s fun!”

D slammed his hands on the table. “You’re all being completely unreasonable!”

“I mean, not really-”

“Sure, S might be bad with children, and, sure, Snicket might have a tendency to insult authority figures, but that’s no reason to assume things won’t go smoothly, like every apprenticeship before.”

“There was that time back in ‘06…”

I reached across the table, so far that she was nearly lounging on it. “Hey. A. Give me that.” She motioned towards the request letter.

A wordlessly handed it to her.

“Okay, everyone, Snicket’s reasoning for requesting S. Theodora Markson as a chaperone is…” She dramatically cleared her throat. “There’s just- a fucking giant root beer stain covering it up.”

V snatched it out of her hands and held it up to the light. “He didn’t- oh my god, he didn’t even write anything, he just purposely spilled some root beer on it so it would look like he wrote something and then accidentally covered it.”

“It’s times like these when I feel hopeful for the new generation of volunteers.”

“They’ll probably just annoy the firestarters to death.”

“Fair.”

D clapped his hands. “Enough dillydallying, everyone. Back to work!”

~-~

The news spread quickly among the Apprenticeship Committee -- it started with a letter to A, who sent a telegram to F, who whispered the news to H, who was overheard by D, who decided to hold a committee meeting to let everyone else know.

“Volunteers,” he began, “all apprentices have returned to the city.”

“Did you have to call a meeting to say that-?”

“ _Except_ one.”

Silence for one, excruciating moment.

“Was it Snicket?”

“Yeah, it was Snicket.”

A wordlessly handed V ten dollars.


End file.
